A Leaf Forgotten
-a fragment for Robert-
A building rises out of the concrete, trees sprouting upwards at the corners. Under the shroud of Night, lamp light from the street are lighthouse beacons to the street-pilgrims. Blinding dots in the darkened landscape. A couple passes under the solemn remnants of mother earth, a leaf flutters and lands perfectly, making a nest in one's hair. The taller of the two reaches up and plucks the straying leaf from his companion's hair. The other frowns having like the proximity, the caress of nature albeit of a dying kind. So the theif presses forward against his companion's lips as if it's the next best thing. He accepts the wet apology and takes the limp leaf betwixt his fingers and twirls it.
This town is growing old,
Not a green shade to be seen.
Has nature abandoned us [to our devices]
In our effort to be clean?
Another soft kiss and the couple breaks, continuing on their way. And the leaf forgotten slips from warmth to banality.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...this is quite the intriguing start. Its not the sort of thing that you see too often, but its still such a simple scene of what appears to be two people in harmony just watching. That's not the thing that draws the most attention, I think what really captures the attention is the inference that perhaps we are somehow looking at lovers here which certainly adds to things but on top of that we've got some sort of apology situation going on in a more behind the scene situation and that adds an extra touch of mystery to consider here that I am loving here. Well, let's see where this ends up taking us after this.
Hmm..well that's an interesting set of questions to have right after that earlier scenes. I feel like this is perhaps meant to be hinting at something a little greater than simply the words that we have going on here, but somehow I feel like its not coming across enough so it ends up a touch confusing despite the tone suggesting its meant to be a lot more epic of an ending that that. It might just be me though, but as it stands the last part seems like it needs a bit more for it to be properly understood.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
hm....interesting...
edited to clarify further - it did distract from the emotions because I had to pull back and think, rather than just go with the flow.
thank you ikklebeastie, teehehe I like your name. You last line I have been trying to figure out for some minutes now, are you trying to say that you found identifying with my character difficult and thus distracted from all the emotions of the piece? please do tell. Thanks again hon.
CL
I love the word 'street-pilgrims' - beautiful
I found reading this quite sad and perhaps a little uncomfortable - there seems to be a subtle underlying conflict hidden in there - I like it!
However, I found that identifying which character is doing which was a little difficult, and so distracted from the emotions.
I can't spell and type at the same time, so yeah.
YAY presents for everyone, or those named Robert or Bob....teheehee...
Aw, for me?
Heh.
Great piece: "theif" needs respelling
thankies Brian!
CL
"proxcimity" is spelled wrong. There's no 'c.'
I really liked this. It's a really good snapshot of all the feelings, emotions, and imagery that takes place in what probably is only ten seconds of time. Sometimes I like this type of literature the best since it makes a segment of time eternal. Pictures can do the same, but pictures fade and whither away. Words last forever.
Well done!